I’ve thought about that priest at that wedding a lot this week, as I’ve been trying desperately to absorb the exciting moments that have presented themselves to me this month. At times it feels impossible; like the gravity of my situation is more than I can physically handle.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t wrap my mind around the amount of excitement, possibility, happiness, and gratitude I’m receiving, enough to feel like it’s real. I keep wondering; is it possible to be this happy and content? I feel like I’m going to collapse or explode with this amount of positive energy coursing through me.

So then I start to think about the irony of it all. That perhaps it’s not such a stretch to say that people can endure a lot more when they’re down than they can when they’re up.  I wonder if the feelings of pure, sheer happiness are more unsettling to people than the opposite. We don’t know what to do when there are no problems; when there is nothing to complain about, no problems to solve, no fires to put out. What else is there if you’re genuinely content?

Isn’t it funny how it takes less to make us cry and/or angry than it does to make us smile and/or laugh? That we have to concentrate so much harder at counting our blessings than pointing out our flaws or misgivings? Why do we opt to get down on ourselves and shut out the positive moments in order to make way for the negative ones? Is it because we’re actually more comfortable with being unhappy? That we have to convince ourselves happiness is an illusion we can’t have or don’t deserve?  Maybe we’re so afraid of being happy and having nothing to do, we purposely keep it just out of arms reach. And sometimes it almost feels like it’s wrong to be too happy, especially when we know others aren’t – or maybe that’s just another problem we create for ourselves in order to feel normal.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about perspectives this month. Mine then versus mine now, as well as people’s in general. And despite how uncomfortable, difficult, and overwhelming it can be to be and experience happiness, I am trying hard to embrace it. And the funny thing is, the more gratitude I show,  the more blessings seem to arrive. Some say that that philosophy can be likened to the Secret. But maybe it’s simply treating yourself well without guilt, believing you deserve it, and letting yourself have it.

Not being afraid  of being happy… As ridiculous as that sounds, I have a distinct feeling there are people out there who know exactly what I mean. Take the good moments with you,  leave the bad ones behind. You only have room for so much baggage on this journey, why waste it on the things you don’t need?

They say,

live life to the fullest

Count your blessings

Live in the moment

Get rid of what you don’t need so you can make room for what you do

Be the change you want to see in the world

…Do you?

I want you to think about this observation I recently made in light of my friends having babies.

When people have children, even complete strangers gather around to dote over them. Everyone –everyone tells that baby she/he is a f*cking God, through some action or comment they make.

“(So and so) is so smart for her age!”

“He’s so beautiful.”

“I’ve never seen anyone suck their thumb with such skill!”

This little creature can do no wrong from the portable throne it’s constantly being pushed around in. It gets whatever it wants, when it wants it, from anyone who’s around. Babies own the world. It’s like putty in their hands. They’re calling all the shots and they haven’t even developed motor skills yet! They are the center of attention 24/7.

Now, as you’ll undoubtedly notice, when these babies grow to be functioning people around the age of three, they’re often refreshingly honest, confident, fearless, and a joy to be around. They can do “amazing” things that impress us all, and secretly make us jealous. But the real thing that we’re all envious of is the fearlessness they have to be who they are without reservation or asking for permission. What’s more, they have complete clarity about who that is because no one has ever ridiculed or discouraged their individuality. They’ve had nothing but a life of utter and complete support, encouragement, and positive re-enforcement. They can fart, pick their nose, say, and eat whatever they want without any judgment. They are one hundred percent free, and uninhibited.

Now let’s examine what happens as we become adults.

Not even the waitresses getting paid to dote on us, want to. No one cares about our existence unless we’re inconveniencing him or her in some way. Everyone- everyone makes us feel like we’re inept assholes incapable of doing anything correctly by the comments they often make.

“Is it so difficult to get an A instead of a B?”

“You’d be so much better looking if you lost a little weight.”

“Why can’t you be more like (so and so)?”

Everything we do is ridiculed and critiqued to make us feel guilty about not doing it better. If we want something, it’s a burden to the people we need to help us get it. It’s almost impossible to please or impress anyone. In fact, we frequently feel all we’re doing is disappointing them with our inadequacy.

Now, as you’ll undoubtedly notice, as we grow further and further away from childhood and adolescence, we grow hesitant, afraid to say how we feel, insecure about our choices, and fearful of being different. We lose our individuality and the clarity of who we are, while trying to fit into a mold society has shaped for us. We can’t fart, pick our nose, say, or eat whatever we want without any judgment or ridicule. We are completely, one hundred percent imprisoned and inhibited.

No wonder people hate getting older. But I refuse to accept it has to be this way. Why can’t we live our lives as adults with the perception of a child? We spend our whole childhood eager to grow up, only to say that youth is wasted on the young when we no longer are. Isn’t there a way to enjoy the perks of both? I think it’s easy to blame society for our psychological troubles, but the truth is that the blame rests completely on our shoulders. We chose how we react to information that’s given to us, what we let in, and how we let it affect us. For instance, if someone calls you too fat or too thin but you know you aren’t, are you more or less likely to get upset about it?

People will always pick on your appearance because it’s the easiest, quickest, and most damaging way to affect your psyche. And people try to do that for two reasons; either someone is doing it to them, or they see you as a threat. But how can that kind of psychological warfare continue to spread like the epidemic it is, if it hits someone who’s immune to such bullshit? It can’t. So the trick is building up enough confidence and assertiveness, that it becomes powerless against you. Of course this is easier said than done, but it’s not impossible.

Children can teach us a lot, especially when they used to be us. So think back to your own childhood and remember how you once were; before you knew too much to let it get in your way; before you let other people’s input shape your own beliefs; before you ignored your instincts because factual evidence convinced you otherwise. That is the person you truly are. That is the person you need to reconnect with, be, and be faithful too. Because once you are, everything else falls into place.

Please enjoy my credo below- I hope it helps you as much as it helps me

-All I need to know in life, I learned from my younger self-

(My sister and I in our backyard in Illinois. Yes, I really am a blonde)

1. It’s okay to believe in magic
2. I don’t have to share toys if I don’t want to
3. It’s fun to get dirty
4. Girls are just as good as boys, and vice versa
5. I really am a princess
6. It’s okay to be emotional
7. Not everything has to match
8. It’s okay to talk to myself
9. Ice cream does make a good breakfast
10. People do want to talk to me
11. I don’t have to think, I just do
12. Everything I create is fridgeworthy
13. Reading is fun
14. You can make a game out of anything
15. Everyone shares my thoughts or would find them interesting
16. I don’t always have to color inside the lines
17. It’s okay to ask questions
18. I never take no for an answer, but I can certainly give it as one
19. It’s ok to be different because everyone has something to offer
20. What does insecurity mean?
21. If something doesn’t make sense, I move on
22. Today is all that matters
23. Winning isn’t everything
24. Mirrors are boring and useless to me
25. Stranger danger is everywhere
26. A stick can be very versatile
27. The world is my oyster
28. my best is good enough
29. I don’t care what I look like naked
30. I only see the positive

Now that he’s got his two cents in, let’s take a look at mine shall we??

1. The first issue I have to discuss regarding  this letter is your spelling. “Discused” is properly spelled “discussed.” “Annoiance” is actually spelled “annoyance.” “Donet” I believed you to mean “don’t.” “You” should be “your,” and “tonite” is “tonight”- unless you’re tweeting or texting, in which case different rules apply. But don’t be embarrassed by the fact that you’re older than my parents, and that someone thirty years younger is correcting you.

2. I guess I could understand how you might be intimidated by me, especially since I weigh in at an incredible 110lbs. I’m assuming that is the reason, after all,  you chose to leave an anonymous letter on my front door when I wasn’t home.  It’s too bad I don’t know who to apologize to though. Oh! Who am I kidding? Like you said, I’m inconsiderate. I probably wouldn’t have even bothered.

3. I wish you had told me that there were neighborhood meetings, and that you were our street’s personal policeman. Then I could have attended and complained about the crying babies I hear, the people blocking my parking space daily, and the obnoxiously loud footsteps I heard above me throughout the night. I’m sure those meetings would have also been the perfect opportunity for me to do something about my upstairs neighbors. They were too stupid to know that you can’t shove chicken skin and vegetables down a sink that doesn’t have a disposal, and it ended up all over my kitchen floor. I’m pretty understanding when it comes to apartment living. But I see now through your example you were right. Instead of cleaning it up myself, I should have demanded they be more considerate of me, ordered them to STOP THE COOKING! and never eat again.

4. You pay rent? That’s so weird. I lived there for free the entire time! You should talk to your landlord about that. And I’m sorry you have to work hard. That’s terrible. I wish you could enjoy the ease of my job which includes emotional and financial stress, insecurity, unpredictability, instability, ego maniacs, and being treated like a doormat most of your life. I’m ashamed of my laziness and lack of motivation- which are primarily responsible for putting me in a position to be judged and rejected daily.

5.  Though I did get straight A’s in school, I failed my telepathy course. That might explain why I was unaware of what was happening in places I was not. But you’re right- that’s completely my fault. I should have studied harder, or at least taught my dog how to behave respectfully with impeccable manners while I’m away.

6. You must have an air conditioner. Good for you! Unfortunately, my free rent did not include a unit and the windows were vertical – not horizontal – so I couldn’t even buy a portable one to put in if I wanted to. Could you imagine summer in Los Angeles without air?? Evidently not or you would have understood why my windows were constantly open. But you’re right, your desire to enjoy silence was much more pressing than the body temperature of my dog and me- even though it is possible to die from heat stroke. It makes much more sense to keep those windows closed – absolutely!

7. Thanks for informing me that my across the driveway neighbor was given the same letter. I then had someone else to make fun of you with.

8. You were right in this entire situation. But that became erroneous with your horribly offensive and rude letter.  A simple “Your dog is barking a lot when you’re away. Would you mind doing something about it for your neighbors? Thank you in advance for your consideration,” would have sufficed. You would have saved yourself a lot of time- especially in sounding out those misspelled words as you wrote them.

9. It’s my personal belief that you should be more concerned with people not cleaning up after their pets. That seems to be a hot mess on that street-literally. And by the way, there were never any from my dog so you’re welcome for that. Perhaps you should be spending more time tracking those little defecators down and less time embarrassing yourself with angry letters.

10.  Since your mother didn’t teach you to spell, I’m assuming she also failed to warn you that this world is full of a lot of assholes.

11. Congratulations, you just became one of them.

12. And finally, a word of advice from me to you: you get a lot more with honey than you do with vinegar. Perhaps if you’d handled things a little differently, they would have turned out better for you. So I hope you enjoyed the fact that after I read your letter, every single time I left my house, I opened every window and tied my dog to the front one, just for you

Remember:
Though you might be the only person in your world, you are simply one of a zillion in the real one.
The world does not revolve around a single person, nor does it stop everything to accommodate them.
Treat others with respect, believe in karma, and more importantly, believe in the best in other people.
It takes one person to set into motion a chain of events that bring about change.

Hypocritical? Maybe. But hey, I’m trying my best.

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My boyfriend and I had woke up on Saturday with nothing in particular planned- a scary concept for the type “A” personality that I am. But it was this kind of day’s perspective that I was able to appreciate what they call “living in the moment”. As an actor, I should pretty much have that nailed down by now wouldn’t you think? Turns out I’m pretty good at ignoring life lessons I learn through my career. Anyhow, after a pretty delicious breakfast of homemade whole wheat crepes, friend bananas, and homemade whipped creme, we decided we felt like being outdoorsy. Murphy, my cavalier king charles spaniel, was also feeling a bit rowdy and enticed by the idea of a world beyond the four walls of my apartment. So we decided to go to a nearby dog park just underneath the Hollywood sign in Lake Hollywood.

I had been seeing and hearing of this illusive dog park for months, and had always wanted to visit, but it’s reputation of being extremely difficult to find and locate, had made me avoid trying solo. Now that I had Mat with me, I decided he would be the perfect accomplice in finding this dog park that I feared did not actually exist. We decided to make a day out of it, and headed up Beachwood canyon, which was the only lead I had to go on.

We’d only been driving ten minutes when the road we were on cozied up to what appeared to be a hiking trail similar to the over trendy and in my opinion, over rated Runyan Canyon. It was less congested and less hectic than the formerly mentioned, though there were several cars parked along side the dirt road. A good number of people going up and coming down the mountain had dogs and though I’m not a detective, I was optimistic of this subtle implication.

As we began ascending the hiking trail, I quickly realized  flip flops were probably the wrong choice. I wasn’t expecting to go for a hike, but it was turning into one rather quickly. When I realized this probably wasn’t going to lead to an open grassy field where my little Murph could frolic and play, I considered turning around and heading back to the car. But the thought of disappointing my boyfriend who seemed so content and in his element, weighed heavy on my conscious. So I hung in there for love, and it wasn’t long before my selflessness was rewarded.

“Look.” Mat said. I followed his index finger to where it was pointing and that’s when I saw it:

In all it’s fifty foot glory (I know this little piece of trivia thanks to the horse back riding group whose tour guide mentioned it in passing), were the nine letters I depended on for my daily inspiration and motivation: the Hollywood sign. I couldn’t believe how close we were to it, and how we’d just managed to stumbled upon this international landmark.

“Holy sh-t!” I yelled. My boyfriend just smiled at me. I’m sure he was amused by my third grade behavior-not that I was saying things like “holy sh-t” in the third grade, but you get the idea of my giddiness. Anyway, he was amused, just as I’m sure were the several California natives hiking that afternoon who heard me. No doubt they assumed I was merely visiting from another state, there was no way a resident of this town would have such a reaction. I was reluctant to break the news to an excited Murph that playing fetch would have to be postponed- we had a new mission for the day now: getting as close to that sign as possible. Thankfully, Murph’s pretty forgiving.

We stopped at a clearing to take a break and munch on the apples, cheese and sausage we had brought. Apparently we had subconsciously been planning for a picnic. Mat pulled out his camera and started taking some shots of the view which I have to say, was the most amazing view of Los Angeles I’d ever seen. It was the clearest day I’d ever witnessed in all my eight years of residency. You could literally see all the way from downtown to the ocean in perfect sight. The sky was brilliant and the sun was bouncing off the surface of the Pacific in the west, creating a bright gold light as if a piece of jewelry were catching the sun. It was radiant.

We continued on our trail until we were told we could go no further. We took a few pictures underneath the sign and had some pretty cool exchanges with the people we met in passing. I couldn’t help but note the insanely, genuinely nice nature of them. They were actually interacting with random strangers, willingly…I was beginning to feel as if I’d left Los Angeles all together. Who were these people who seemed so happy and sweet natured? And why couldn’t I run into them more often so I might have a more accurate depiction of the kind of people living in this city?

After about two hours, we headed back down the trail we had come and fulfilled our promise to Murphy. We had been lucky enough to find a local who was very familiar with the place we were wanting to go, and so getting there was exceptionally easy. Yet another beautiful secret of Los Angeles I felt lucky enough to be in on.

Mat and I headed home that evening feeling as if we had just been in another country. The homes on the hillside had a European influence that made me crave a sudden trip to Italy. But until then, I can keep myself occupied with this new world I’ve only just begun to discover right outside my front door.

Later that night we met up with some friends downtown for dinner and some ice skating. Dinner was fantastic, but we were disappointed when we arrived at the ice rink by 9:55 to find it closed at 10. Trying to make the most of our situation, we decided to try bowling at the famous Lucky Strike, but were over it right away when we quickly remembered this “bowling ally” is merely a club disguised as a place of good family fun. Since none of us were wearing Affliction, Ed Hardy, or a dress two sizes too small despite it being winter time, we decided to bounce.

Realizing the night was pretty much a bust, we all said our goodbyes and parted ways. Mat and I took the subway home (I jump at any chance I can to take the rails and no, I’m not being sarcastic) where we were approached by a drug dealer and then later witnessed a drug deal going down in the seat next to us in the back of our subway car.

…And just like that, I was back in the city I was all too familiar with. I guess for this Cinderella, the horse drawn carriage turns back into a pumpkin at 10:30. I’m just grateful I got to keep my prince charming.

Oh well…at least Murphy’s day ended on a good note:

watch Seven Deadly Sins now